Have you ever had the overwhelming feeling you were suddenly trapped in an alternate universe? Sometimes when I’m driving I feel like I’m traveling at reckless speeds and all of a sudden I get the unwavering feeling I’m driving on the wrong side of the road. What a metaphor for life.
I mean, we don’t have it figured out. Who has it figured out? Who cares if they have it figured out? Should I have it figured out? Is this going to be on the test? Is a school marm going to come into my life with a clipboard and glasses perched on the edge of her nose with a discerning look that tells me she knows I didn’t do the reading even though I sort of did the reading and may be able to give her a summary, but would probably only get five out of ten questions right on a question and answer based quiz of my retention?
I’ve been alive this long, so I must be doing something right. Rephrase: I must not be doing anything too terribly wrong. Other than the doubt. Note to self: Start working on the self doubt. I don’t know if I could call it self doubt as much as a tiny voice inside my head constantly saying “you suck. you suck. you suck.”
Back to driving on the wrong side of the road. It happens. Sometimes when approaching the highway the enter and the exit are right next to each other. This is confusing. Like, really fucking confusing. I hesitate. Look again. Try to see what other people are doing. Shit, there are no other people. Great. On my own. Okay, I’ll go with my gut, stick with it and if anyone says anything about it I’ll blame it on stylistic choice.
Fuck! This is the wrong way! I’m driving onto the highway on the ramp that is CELARLY the ramp to get OFF the highway. This is worst case scenario. This is it. WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE.
Wait. This is right. There are no cars racing towards me with horns blazing. No one is waving their arms at me like a crazy person in the hopes of telling me that I AM the crazy person. Here I am, Ma. I’m driving on the highway THE RIGHT WAY and haven’t managed to kill anyone yet. This is okay, and I am okay. But I still need to work on that self doubt.